Why *Conditional* Love is so Mind F*ing
Beautiful church in downtown Charleston, SC. I love looking at historic, ornate churches. Yet, when I reflect about my time within churches, although there is some good, I personally experienced a lot of unnecessary confusion and internal conflict growing up due to the conditional love messages received.
First off, let’s define conditional love. It means your love for another person, or another person’s love for you, is contingent on certain actions, or things going on. For example, I love you when you are obedient and follow my directions. Ultimately, you are loved only IF you act a certain way or do something for someone else.
Unconditional love is defined as love without conditions. This is the kind of love that no matter what someone does, the other person will always love them. They may not agree with the actions but they love them regardless. This kind of love shows support, understanding and compassion.
Why Talking About Conditional vs. Unconditional Love Matters
Conditional love can have a negative impact on the psychological development of a child in several ways. Ultimately, this can impact how a child grows into an adult and how that adult treats other people, treats themselves, and shows up in the world.
When a child only receives love and approval from their parents or caregivers when they behave in certain ways or meet certain expectations, they may develop a sense that they are only valued for what they do, not for who they are. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as a sense of constant pressure to perform in order to receive love and approval.
Secondly, conditional love can also create a sense of anxiety and insecurity in a child. If a child feels that their love and approval from their parents is always at risk and could be taken away at any moment, they may develop a constant sense of worry and uncertainty. This can make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships and trust others in the future.
In addition, children who receive conditional love may also struggle with emotional regulation and have difficulty managing their own emotions. They may learn to suppress or deny their feelings in order to avoid disappointing their parents or risking the loss of their love and approval. This can lead to a range of psychological problems, including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Conditional love can have a significant impact on attachment types. Attachment theory suggests that the quality of early childhood relationships with caregivers can shape the development of attachment styles, which can affect later relationships. As adults, those with an anxious attachment style may be overly dependent on their partners and have difficulty trusting and feeling secure in their relationships.
On the other hand, unconditional love, which is love that is given freely without any expectations or conditions, can result in a secure attachment style. Children who receive unconditional love from their caregivers tend to feel more secure and confident in their relationships, and as adults, they are more likely to form healthy, secure attachments with others.
One example from my personal experience (in connection to my church picture above…)
When we connect this concept of conditional love to that of being accepted into heaven or damned to hell along with the confusing concept of a wrathful yet loving God, we can see how that can be down right mind f*ing. This confusion leads to anxiety and fear. Fearful to make any mistakes due to the condemnation of a parent or an overall father figure like the almighty God. If we do not follow his commandments or the rules set out by the preacher’s or priests (aka ‘mans’) *interpretation* of Gods’ conditions then we will be damned for all eternity… I grew up learning mostly about the wrathful God and was driven by fear to obey certain rules within a denomination. There were sprinkles of “God Loves his little children” but overall, it was do X to be in favor in the eyes of God. When I obeyed, I was rewarded by praises. When I did things that were not “bad” but not what they deemed Godly, I was condemned or threatened that this act is a sin and could send me to hell. This is conditional love.
Thankfully, as an adult, I went on my own multiple year spiritual journey that continues to this day and realized, that’s BS and the exact opposite of all the great teachings. But that’s another topic for another day ;)
It’s important to note, that even as an adult you can experience or perceive (your perceptions do have an impact on your reality) conditional love from parents, friends, coworkers, and within romantic relationships. When we remain in relationships that put conditions on us and lead us to act in ways that go against who we truly are or what we truly want, then we are living an inauthentic life. We are living for other people. This isn’t good for your physical, emotional, or spiritual self, nor is it good for those around you.
As an adult it is up to you to recognize these patterns and respond with emotional intelligence.
How to Heal Yourself & Fill Your Unconditional Love Bucket
Healing from the effects of growing up in a conditional love environment can be a challenging process, but it is possible with time, effort, and support. Here are some steps you can take to begin the healing process:
Acknowledge and accept your experiences: It's important to acknowledge and accept that you grew up in a conditional love environment and that it may have affected your attachment style and relationships.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Recognize that it's not your fault that you experienced conditional love, and that you deserve to feel loved and secure in your relationships.
Seek support: Consider seeking support from a therapist, counselor, or support group. A mental health professional can help you work through the effects of conditional love on your attachment style and provide you with tools to build healthier relationships.
Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may include exercise, meditation, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends and family members.
Challenge negative beliefs: Recognize and challenge negative beliefs that you may have developed about yourself or relationships as a result of growing up in a conditional love environment. Focus on building positive, affirming beliefs about yourself and your relationships.
Practice healthy communication: Work on developing healthy communication skills, such as expressing your needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully, active listening, and seeking to understand others' perspectives.
Remember that healing from the effects of conditional love is a process, and it may take time and effort to build healthier relationships and a more secure attachment style. But with self-compassion, support, and a commitment to personal growth, it is possible to heal and build fulfilling, healthy relationships.
If you are curious to learn more about attachment styles and attachment theory. Check out this free test. I recently just learned about this and it has been quite eye-opening even after years of doing “the work” and being on this healing journey.
Living from a place where you experience unconditional love is like a fertile field ready for you to bloom. You can create this environment for yourself and those around you. You deserve to bloom, be open, and to be loved for WHO you are, not what you do, say, act or what you believe.
